Edsville

1. EXT. DAY CAR HIGHWAY

SUPER TITLE CREDITS

PAUL and PAULA, a gushing vacation couple, drive a late model 4x4 happily down a rural Ontario road. Sunshine. Paula laments over a friend's new dress. Paul simply drives.

PAULA
...she said the dress was custom made by Louie's.
But I know Louie and he just doesn't do work
like that. So for sure she's just lying. I mean
I don't know why. I think she got it at, oh I don't
know, Crazy Sally's Dress Mart. And look, honey,
raw silk? I don't think so. Raw polyester maybe.

All of a sudden, clunk. The fan belt has snapped.

PAULA
What's that, Poochie?

PAUL
Take off your panty hose.

PAULA is momentarily startled but immediately dons a knowing smile.

2. EXT. DAY CAR HIGHWAY

PAUL works under the hood. He ties off the panty hose around the alternator. PAULA adjusts her clothes. She's disappointed.

PAUL
I can't believe this happened, Raoul
just serviced her last week.

PAULA
Well, Sweetie, the thing is that you
don't really know anything about cars
and so we don't really know if he fixed
anything at all, do we?

PAUL
Well, we'll get it fixed at the next town,
wherever that is, Pumpkin, don't you worry.

PAULA
The auction started 1/2 an hour ago, precious.
If we miss the cross stitched sampler, I'll just die.

PAUL
Don't worry honey, we'll get there.

PAULA
Kiss, kiss.

Camera ZOOMS to CU of Edsville sign just over their shoulders: "EDSVILLE 2km."

3. EXT. DAY CAR HIGHWAY

The car zooms past the "WELCOME TO EDSVILLE POPULATION -580" sign.

PAULA (O/C)
Edsville? I don't see it on the map, honey.

MUSIC STING

PAUL (O/C)
Oh. You're right. Oh well, gotta
get a new map, muffin.

PAULA (O/C)
I just love small towns. They're so..... small.

4. EXT. DAY GAS STATION

They pull into PHRED'S Garage. Phred, an ED, works under the hood of an Edsel. Beside him are NED and JED. He looks up.

PHRED
Hello there, youngsters.

PAUL
(holding map)
Hi. Listen, my fan belt's snapped. Do
you think you could fix her up? And,
by the way, we're looking for a big
antique auction. Do you know if it's
around here?

PHRED
Auction? A really big Auction? Nope.
Well now, let's take a look under
the hood.

PAULA
Honey, this is a little strange, don't
you think? Let's just drive on.

PHRED
Well now, it looks like you
youngsters need a new fan belt.

PAUL
Yeah. Thanks very much. Well, okay, how
long do you think it'll take?

PHRED
Ten minutes? Look like a medium with
a reinforced gusset to me.

PAULA
(embarrassed, whipers to PAUL)
Oh. Petite actually, muffin.

PAUL
It's a petite.

PHRED
A petite.

PAUL
Oh, would you have any new maps?

PHRED
Nope.

PAUL
Okay. Well, why don't we take
a walk around.

PHRED
Well that's right, why don't you
youngster's take a walk 'round.
Well, g'bye now. G'bye. Petite.

PAUL and PAULA walk from frame.

5. EXT. DAY VARIETY STORE

The sign outside the variety store reads: "ED'S Store.Ed's Cones." PAUL opens the door for PAULA.

PAUL
Whaddya say to some pop or an ice cream?

PAULA
And some pantyhose too, pumpkin.

PAUL
Ah, and a map.

PAULA
Kiss, kiss.

6. INT. DAY VARIETY STORE

The store owner, TED, awaits his customers.

PAUL
Excuse me, sir?

TED
Well now, hello there youngsters?

PAUL
Hi. How are you today?

TED
T'riffic! T'riffic! T'riffic!

EDDY
(emerging from back)
Say boss, where do you want
all this... all this beef jerky.

TED
Well now, over there, with the rest of the
Christmas decorations, and mind those fingers.
(to Paul)
Kids, these days.

PAUL
Say, we're looking for the big antique
auction. Um, would you happen to know....

TED
Nope.

PAUL
Ah. Would you have any new maps, then?

TED
Well now, let's take a look now.

TED disappears to look for the map. Meanwhile, PAULA has been staring at TED with her mouth open.

PAUL
(aside)
Close your mouth dear. It's rude to stare.

PAULA
Well honey, people talk so funny around here.

PAUL
Oh now, Pookie, that's the country for you.
They probably say the same thing about us.

TED
Well now youngsters, sorry, no maps.

PAULA
Well thanks anyway. This is such
a lovely store - so rural. Paul?

PAUL
Ah. Well, thanks again. Take care.

TED
Have a lovely day, now.

EDDY
Well g'bye now, and remember to drive safely. G'bye.

They leave. Our heroes are getting pissed off.

7. EXT. DAY INTERSECTION

PAUL and PAULA leave the store. PAUL is frustrated.

PAUL
Oh, great. It's been snowing.

PAULA
Oh well, it doesn't look like
it's going to stick around all day.

PAUL
Great. That's all we need. To get
snowed in in a place like this.

PAUL throws the old map away.

FED(O/C)
Now hold it right there, youngsters.

Turning, they find FED, an ED motorcycle cop.

PAULA
Honey?

FED(O/C)
Nobody likes a litterbug!

PAULA
Sorry Officer, we won't let it happen again.

FED
Well okay. Now just move along then. Move along.
And try to keep this town nice and clean.

PAULA shoots PAUL a glance and they slink away.

8. EXT. DAY CONSTRUCTION SITE

PAUL and PAULA walk past a contruction site. Two ED Engineers complete with plans are inspecting "ED'S SQUARE - NOW LEASING". PAULA stops for a moment to gape at this odd sight.

9. EXT. DAY PARK

PAUL and PAULA pass by a park. In it, an ED boy watches two ballerinas who are dancing. PAULA notices this.

PAULA
Oh honey, look. Aren't they.....
(the odd behaviour sinks in)
adorable?

10. EXT. DAY CHURCH

Walking into frame nearby the town Church.

PAUL
I don't believe it. This is ridiculous.

PAULA
Oh hubby-bybby, don't get mad. It's a beautiful Sunday.
Let's not spoil it.

PAUL
I'm not getting angry, precious!
These people are nuts!

O/C SFX CHURCH BELL.

PAUL
Sunday. Of course, a church. C'mon snooks.

PAULA
Oooh...no. I'll just wait out here
and positively reinforce you.

PAULA produces a large crystal from her purse and holds on to it tightly.

PAUL
That's great.

PAULA
I'll miss you.

PAUL leaves PAULA and quickly bounds up the stairs of the nearby Church. He opens the large front doors and enters.

11. INT. DAY CHURCH

PAUL opens the inner doors and stands face on to a sparesly populated nave. An ED Door Man stands next to him.

ED DOOR MAN
Take a pew, youngster.

PAUL
Oh, no thanks, I'll just stand.

ED DOOR MAN
Suit yourself.

An ED organist and ED minister are at the front. The minister is at the pulpit.

FR. ED
Well now, it's nice to be important but
it's important to be nice.

RED
Amen!

FR. ED
Save your breath to cool your soup.

ED 1
Amen!

FR. ED
You don't get a second chance
to make a first impression.

ED 4
Amen!

FR. ED
Show me a man with both feet on the ground and
I'll show you a man who can't take his pants off...
or put them on.

ED 2
Lord have mercy!

FR. ED
Now, in our congregation today, we've got a
fine young fellow in charge...charge of the church
treasury. Now, where is he? Now, c'mon
now, stand up there youngster. Let's really
hear it for him.

"Let's really hear it for him." An ED, stands up and bows.

ED 3
Well now, thank you . Thank you.
Well, thank you very much.

FR. ED
And now, for the edification of all the little
chickadees the congregation today, the hymn
is number thr, thir, thr...12. Well now, c'mon
there boys...

The ED ORGANIST shakes into a quasi bejumbled fugue. PAUL leaves in a daze.

ED ORGANIST
Well now, a one, two, three...

12. EXT.DAY CHURCH DOOR

PAUL opens the church doors confused and shaking his head. He focuses on PAULA.

PAUL
Hey, What's going on?
What're you doing with my wife?

13 EXT. DAY CHURCH BENCH

A gang of ED punks, "THE DREDS!" surround PAULA. They taunt her.

DRED 1
Well now, how'd you like to see
something really, really big?

PAULA
I don't think so.

DRED 2
C'mon now, baby! Right here, right now!

DRED 3
You'll really, really love it.

PAUL flies into the swarm and shoos them away. While they are Punks, they are ED punks and actually quite timid.

PAUL
Precious, you alright? Darn fool kids.

PAULA
They're so strange. I need an aspirin.

PAUL is seized by a strange and uncontrollable urge.

PAULA
Treasure?

PAUL
Uh, what?

PAULA
What're you doing?

PAUL
Turning into one of them.

PAULA
(beat) Paul!

PAUL shrugs his shoulders in a nascent Ed-like manner and shakes his head.

PAUL
Have I ever told you you're the most talented
youngster I've ever met.

PAULA screams. She grabs PAUL.

PAULA
We've got to get out of here!

PAUL
Not before Toti Fields and the entire Russian
army come on our stage. Uh, right here....

She grabs him.

14. EXT. DAY CHURCH DOOR

FR. ED, looking out the door, calls out.

FR. ED
Well now, that's t'riffic. Come on up here, youngsters!
Join the club. Well, c'mon now!

PAULA looks at PAUL, takes him by the hand and, half-dragging him, they run away.

FR. ED
C'mon back here.

15. EXT. DAY STREET

PAUL and PAULA run down the street.

16. EXT. DAY GAS STATION

PAUL and PAULA run into frame. PHRED and an army of ED mechanics stare down at the panty hose fan belt. PAULA goes to the driver's side. PAUL to the hood.

NED
I don't think it's a reinforced gusset.

PHRED
Now can we get a camera on this?

NED
Well now, what the heck is it?

JED
Well, I don't know. Well now, youngster,
whaddya think?

PAUL
Well now, looks to me like aya, ayaa, aya...

PAULA
Stop it, Paul!

She slaps him and pushes him to the driver's side.

PAULA
Oh look, a Spanish juggler!

The ED Mechanics all turn and head away from the car.

EDS
Well c'mon, let's really hear it for him!

PAULA slams down the hood and gets in the car.

17. EXT. DAY CROWD OF EDS

PAUL and PAULA drive around the corner and encounter a crowd of EDS from the Church. The crowd stops and runs from the car. FR. ED has his hand up to stop the car but lands on the hood.

18. INT. DAY. CAR

With an ED on their hood, PAULA screams.

PAULA
Quick turn on the wipers! The wipers!

FR. ED indicates that this is not a good idea.

19. EXT. DAY. CROWD OF EDS

FR. ED tumbles off when the wipers are turned on. Another ED gasps. FR. ED is now sprawled on the road. He looks up after the retreating car.

20. EXT. DAY CAR TOWN LIMITS

PAUL and PAULA speed past the town limits. They pass a sign which says "You are now leaving Edsville".

21. EXT. DAY CAR HIGHWAY

PAUL and PAULA look exhausted. They are clearly shaken and bewildered.

PAULA
Honey? You alright?

PAUL
Yeah, I think so, precious. Whew.
What the heck happened?

PAULA
I don't know, Treasure. I just don't know.
I'm just glad we're both ourselves again.
I mean, whatever trials, wherever our paths
go, I know now that what's important is that
we're together. I feel now that we're spiritually
as well as physically bonded. Our relationship
is strong.

PAUL
How 'bout a coffee?

PAULA
Oh yes.

A sigh of contentment.

22. EXT. DAY TRUCK STOP

Their car is parked outside.

23. INT. DAY TRUCK STOP

Inside HARVEY'S, PAUL and PAULA flop down at a table. A waiter cleans glasses at the counter.

PAULA
I must look a mess.

PAUL
I went to heck and back today with someone I
never even knew existed. And all I know is I'm
wild about you...woman.
(beat)
Excuse me, what's your pie today?

JIMMY
(turning from the counter)
Wh.wh..wh..what's the pie?

PAUL and PAULA smile at the waiter who seems quite friendly yet somehow terribly familiar a la a Jimmy Stewart impersonator. He calls out back to an invisible cook.

JIMMY
Say, uh, Harvey, what, uh, wh..what's the
pie, today?

We see an empty kitchen through the cut out in the wall.

JIMMY
Is that right? Oh, I see..yeah. Well did ya hear
that? Harvey says we're all out of pumpkin but
there's a couple pieces left of cherry pie. Now you
want a couple of coffee to go with that....

PAUL and PAULA stare at each other in disbelief as the Jimmy Stewart clone tries to figure out what the pie is. Uh-oh, not again.

FADE TO BLACK - ROLL CREDITS At the end of the credits, the following lines are seen and heard.

FR. ED (V/O)
Well G'bye now.
So long.
And remember to come back here next week.